Butterfly Dynasty heroines threaten to boycott series

Author Robert Barclay: Ladies, ladies, ladies. It’s the Butterfly Dynasty series, you can’t quit now. Surely, we can talk about this like grown-ups. Let me pour tea, it’s your favourite, Jasmine Dragon Pearl.

Katy: Grown-ups! We’re off if growing up means we must put up with more of your psychopathic storytelling. You promised Clara and me would make it to the second book, then you went off and killed my husband and her dad, anyway! Okay, pour the tea.

Robert: Well, to be fair, it wasn’t actually me, it was that nasty fellow in Krong Chey. And if you read the fine print, I only promised you and Clara would make it through. Anyway, my condolences, Simon was a fine human being.

Katy: Don’t pull that author double-speak crap with us, Robert, you never hinted he wouldn’t make it through. You’re the one at the keyboard guzzling your shiraz and working out how to make your books saleable at our expense. Where’s your @#@&! soul!

Robert: I’m happy to have a discussion about theology if you like but go easy on the blaspheming. I’m a sensitive sort of guy.  

Clara: Ma, please be careful with the language, okay. We’re Yehonalas, we don’t need to descend to his level.

Katy: Sorry, baobei. And in the middle of Clara’s concert, too, which I was enjoying. What were you trying to do, show everyone we’re all pawns in the Jade Emperor’s heavenly chess game in some agony and ecstasy meme? 

Robert: Look, readers are fascinated by ill-fated tragedies about love. That’s what life is – love, fear, deception, murder, joy, passion, betrayal, friendship. It’s not the author’s fault. Human nature provides the song lyrics, all we authors do is compose the music. How’s the tea?

Clara: Fine. You’re certainly qualified in the deception and betrayal part! But don’t you go getting delusional about providing the music. I’m the musician in this book, remember, even though I wanted to be a movie star. From what I can tell, you can’t even play “chopsticks”.

Robert: Fair call. Let’s just say I’m a commentator on life.

Katy: Clara and I know exactly what you are.

Clara: So, Robert, this new book’s called The Girl in the Orphanage. Already sounds too grim for us. We’re not remotely interested in any more psychological damage. What’s it about?

Robert: It’s a murder mystery set in exotic places; I think you’ll love it. You get to travel and meet interesting new people. There’s even a little kid, a young girl, you might like. I’ve called her “Chavy”. Her name means little angel.

Clara: Ha! And I suppose with a name like “Little Angel” you’ll be feeding her to the dingoes as soon as we get to know her?

Robert: There aren’t any dingoes in Cambodia. No, all your lives will change in this book. I think for the better, but you’ll have to decide for yourselves.

Katy: We’re smarter now and we’ll need a contract this time. Will you guarantee we’ll make it through this one unscathed? 

Robert: Cross my heart. And I decided no tattoos for either of you, either; I don’t think the Lisbeth Salander stereotype is for you, but I love her attitude; a bit of her sassiness could rub off on Clara.  And Simon will be appropriately remembered; you’ll be proud of him.

Clara: And what heart might that be you plan to cross? We were already proud of Dad when he was walking around and breathing.

Robert: Well, life goes on…haha… just my little joke, ladies. You’ll both be the death of me…

Clara: We can only hope. Then maybe we can get Amy Tan to finish the Butterfly Dynasty series. 

Robert: You know people are getting to like you both – you got nominated for a couple of fancy awards.

Katy: We don’t care much for publicity; we just want a peaceful life. What happens in this book to convince us to go along with it?

Robert: I can’t give too much away, but you’ll need to be on your game. For you, Katy, there might be a new vocation in the making.

Katy: If “vocation” is a euphemism for what I think it is, you’re a dead man, Robert.

Robert: No, you can manage this career standing up. Don’t worry, I’m getting to like you.

Clara: And what about me?

Robert: I like you too. You’re still a bit “immaculate” – if you know what I mean. Last time we spoke, you said you wanted some romance so I thought I might toss someone your way. Did you brush up on your Italian as I suggested?

Clara: Parlo già francese, sto imparando anche l’italiano.

Robert: Eccellente! French and Italian will come in handy. 

Clara: What can you tell me about him? I said before a young Antonio Banderas would be good – don’t you dare come up with any dropkick like that loser you tried to fix Ma up with before.

Robert: Trust me, Clara. I have just the person in mind.

Katy: Well, what do you think, Clara?

Clara: I don’t trust him. Still, I wouldn’t mind trying out a boyfriend.

Katy: How about we give it a couple of chapters? If we think he’s going off-track, we’ll head for the hills.

Robert: You won’t regret it; The Butterfly Dynasty needs its heroines and you’re both perfect. I’m already well into the third book and you’re doing great there too. Paris is lovely in the spring and those rainforests are treasure troves of natural diversity and beauty. You might even get to meet a Sumatran tiger… More tea?